I needed to work. I had so much to do in this end of spring. My summer festivals were about to begin. I had to teach again in the Academy of Arts and did everything which fulfilled my daily life. I liked to take care of my closest ones and people who always trusted me. Every spent minute is a lost minute for me. I was not an inactive man . During my childhood, my parents so often repeated me that doing nothing was like stealing time from Good Lord!
Calypso could not come into the room and but scratched at the door and yapped. She understood I was ill and surely thought her place was next to me. Despite everything against me, I moved and tumbled again. This time, it was on the bed, which lessened the consequences. For a long time, I stayed with my face looking at the ceiling. I was crying. Here I was: the proud, skillful musician able to lead without music sheets, to play the organ if I had to or a large part of the repertory of the viola. Did I take so many contest, exams, papers and survive threats of my childhood to come to that? To resign myself not to move and fear I rolled like a bale?
I leaned on my left hand and managed to turn on my other side. I tried to rise my chest, but the mattress stood the effort. Nevertheless, I succeeded in raising my shoulder, my head and I pushed with all my strength. New dizziness. I felt my face against the bed. A curious feeling irradiated my dead side. I was out of breath as if I put on a sprint. Bit I needed to do it again. “I’m not something who resigns! I have to be worthy of my following luck, that luck which helped me to get out of my little animal state in the Chaumont barracks, and drove me to the Hilgers. My parents I owe everything, my reconstruction, my education, my faith, my musician, painter, business skills.”
I tried again. My left hand leaned down in order to center the weight of my torso. At that moment, I regretted to be a large-shouldered big guy. If I had been a little, puny man, I would have been easier to move. But my ancestors, my biological parents I didn’t know, gave me a large stature, a healthy appearance and also hereditary flaws I’ve just found out and I passed on my four boys. My inside of “big guy” was fragility, dizziness, syndrome of cerebral lights, complications. Nowadays, when I am in a car and don’t drive, I still have nausea. A paradox among others!
I pushed again. My head inside my shoulders, I gritted my teeth while I was praying the Heaven nobody came in at that moment. I was almost stable on my forearm. “One more effort, I’m almost there!” I tried to put my right, insensitive hand on the pillow and it went forwards so strongly I could not lead it. I rolled and fell on the wooden floor loudly. But I didn’t hear it.
The door quickly opened. Florence found me like a salamander, a crawling animal.
“What’s going on? Did you slip?”
I held my tears back. I’ll give up my self-reeducation. I’d been too much pretentious of thinking I could heal without the help of specialists. This neurologist was right: “Violin is over for me!”
“You’d rather lie down!” Alexandre asked me again. After he gazed and considered his surroundings – which is usual for him – he talked wisely.
Lying down! Staying in the same position as seriously-ill, old, dead people! Staying like that, waiting for someone to bring me food and change my diapers? Impossible! I didn’t answer and let Alexandre put me in my bed once again. I did all my best to help him but lifted the dead weight of his father hurt him. His hand hesitated. Florence came and helped to lie me down. She patted the pillow under my head. I’d like to smile, thank and reassure them. But my face remained emotionless. A mask of despair froze my features. My wife didn’t say a word and pushed Alexandre towards the door in front of her. Finally, I’d rather lying on my back than staying seated. I looked at the ceiling which I planned a lot of things on.