And here I am as a land without water
As if I was lost and dry,
As I was crushed by my doubts I was guessing
My heart is shaking and my eyelids are closed.
Sense of weakness, powerlessness,
All I tasted before, self-confident,
Today all seems deprived of taste.
I know I’m a food lover, an explorer.
Yes, my whole sheath is crushing me,
My joints, my bones, I’m out.
How not to love the love of passion?
I am not a man of resignation!
Did I overestimate me? We could have asked for an ambulance to take me home but I refused. Nurses took me in a wheelchair to my brother’s car. AT that very moment, I understood my disability. But I didn’t want to show my fears which assailed me!
When we arrived in front of the doorway of our house in Sucy en Brie, my boys were all here, along the little path: Nicolas, 19, Raphael, 18, Alexandre, 17 and Constantin, , came closer to me – almost in their birth order. They were anxious but so happy I was back. Our young dog, Calypso, ran in the garden and fooled around. Florence opened the back door. Benoit helped me to get out of the car taking all good care.
“We need some help” My wife told to Nicolas and Raphael.
I could not get out of the car. I was pulled and held. Everyone moved clumsily. They held me as they could. It was not easy to unfold my huge 6‘2’’body. My first foot touched the ground – the one which felt– I tried to move the right leg. It was heavy and unresponsive. A log. My right arm was not better and I didn’t know which position it was in. It would have been cut, it would have not been different. And to mange to stand with only one part of my body, I needed all Benoit’s strength and Nicolas’ and Raphael’s. They supported me while Alexandre and young Constantin sped to participate to the rescue mission of a father who couldn’t move anymore.
I understood the upcoming troubles. For a while, I was discouraged. I should have been in a rehability center – at least for a few days – in order to find my normal sensations again. It was not too warm for June. A mild wind rose one of Florence’s hair. My eyes met hers and I could read her confusion. But I felt she was ready – as always – to anything for me. At that moment, a world was taken us apart: the world of my disability. I wanted to come home for her and for my four boys, I wanted to be standing as I had always done.
Nothing was easy when you lost the control of your body and any contact with half of your person. My left side had to assume for my right-side burden. And then, helped by my brother and my two strong boys, I could barely stand still. My right foot didn’t move. They held me… literally. However, a little inside voice – for sure– the voice of the Providence, told me it was a miracle I was alive and all will be alright. So I tried to put my right foot I,n front of the left one. Order and Will came from my whole body but this damned foot was so as insensitive as a piece of wood. “Here is your father, my boys! I’m under your responsibility!”
This is an extract from the translation in English of the book «Death will wait» written by Michel Hilger and Gilbert Bordes. For further information about the book, consult this page.
The translation of the book has been completed with the work of Audrey Rameau. The English version is not yet available for sale, waiting for the authorization of the publisher.
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